So I’ve been very quiet for a while, and maybe I’ll be quiet once again for another long period of time, after this. I love flexibility, and choices, and freedom. God knows no one is really ever free in this life, but there can be periods of time when we can actually experience some degree of real freedom, at least, relative to the norm for most people. I’ve just lived about ten months of it, apparently with more to come. And it has truly been something else, more than something different, to such an amazing degree of ecstatic living that I have to wonder if it can continue, even for another day. And what if I’m right about that? I guess I’d better write it down. It would be a shame if no one ever knew.
For a few periods of time in my life, I did indulge myself before this, with pursuits that were for the purest of pleasure, it’s true. But the many long hours spent laboring and discovering in my makeshift darkroom or in the field taking photographs, or the even longer hours creating written works, have all paled compared to these past ten months.
Although I missed some companionship I had enjoyed before this period, I have met a lot of people. Although the sense of accomplishment I once received from completing difficult or challenging work is now gone, I have been astounded at how much more I receive from simply living, breathing and taking the time to absorb what has always been around me. I take photographs incessantly now, I have time to really look at and to be amazed by the wildflowers, time to search for the ideal pastoral scene or delicate, feeding butterfly or lichen-encrusted mineral, tossed aside because it was an unwanted rock in some farmer’s field perhaps two centuries ago. I’ve walked in ancient wagon-tracks in the forest, forded wet-weather torrents, stopped to watch browsing deer that remained unaware of my presence, explored old overgrown roads and animal trails unseen by any in the recent past, save for the hardiest of hunters. At long last I’ve had both the time and the wherewithal to upgrade and repair my home, I’m sure my neighbors are astonished if not disbelieving. For the first time in decades I literally feel alive, cognizant of my surroundings, am amazed by the changing skies by day and the glittering content of the heavens at night.
All of this became a part of a new life for me simply because my job went away. Sometimes I lay awake and wonder if it could possibly be fair that I can live this way, for however long while others still participate in that daily grind. Then I wonder how many have never had to participate in it, and I wonder if those few even possess the ability to appreciate life as much as I have these past months. I wonder how long I will be able to maintain it. Finally then, I wonder if the reason it has been this way for most of a year is because it is about to be my last; that I may have been afforded this long look at the world for a good reason. Certainly I have no evidence to support that notion, but neither have I any explanation for why it has been this way instead of that.
So far it has been an amazing year. I have new dreams and new hopes and new ideas, I can see potential I had never before imagined, a veritable kaleidoscope of colorful possibilities. The typical imperfections of everyday life that do exist can be overcome, most with ease.
I am keenly aware, there are those who would take all of it away just because they would rather no one had it. I know there are events and deeds occurring every day all over the planet that stretch from the unmentionable to the heinous, many of which have the potential to erupt as life-changing for just about everyone. In the course of my long life I have learned that while it may be difficult to live while trusting no one, it is the far safer path. I will not be an easy hit for anyone.
In conclusion I intend to continue this for as long as I can, plainly and simply. The things I will do may not suit many beyond myself, but I cannot afford to care. I don’t have any reason to believe I am deserving of this time, but I’ll take it, am deeply grateful for it, and I fully intend to make the most of it. It has often been pointed out that the sun will rise in the morning. But how many actually notice?
Life has at long last begun.
